I just took a peek at my old blog and this was the last substantial post before purchasing a domain. It was categorized under ‘relationshits’.
I’m amazed that in less than two years my views on relationships have changed so drastically. I found my great love. I started a family. There’s a wedding in my ( distant!) future. I’m so incredibly happy. Not all the time, of course, and not for every corner of my life. I have a long way to go if I even get there. But this little corner? This little cottage? It’s all ours and it feels so damn right.
Posted on May 8, 2011by Brittney
A Novel Outline, Annotated
Title: 2010: A Year in the Life of a Slacker as Chronicled by Failed Relationships. I outlined it month by month, new year to new year. Every event was 100% true. Step outline is as follows:
- NYE, year of yeses, george, new years day.
- City trip, AC
- Valentines day
- City trip 2, moving in
- Birthday, grandma, gig
- Breakup, barcelo, blind date, death, message (April)
- Blind date # 2, bored fuck
- City trip, pity, adventures in online dating
- Memorial day weekend
- Birthday weekend
- get together, vibes
- online dating continues, questioned
- motivating the unmotivated
- the wedding, the breakup
- the scare, the new guy
- the pattern, the realization
- new years again
I last saved the draft in March, ready to expose everyone around me, not giving a shit. I knew this included changing my name and moving far, far away from all the people I exposed.
I soon realized fluid dialogue was hard and finding time to actually sit and write a BOOK was harder. It took planning. The project quickly got put on the back burner and I moved on to a script in April, a task I found much less stressful. I opened this up today, though, and realized I had started something:
January: 2009 was my year of ‘Yes’. Trying new things, not holding back. My last yes of 2009 was to a guy I’ll call G. We had been seeing each other for a month or so. The night before New Year’s Eve, as we were baking marijuana cookies in his kitchen, he asked me to be his girl and I agreed – my last ‘yes’ of 2009.
New Year’s Eve. I’m working retail till 11 at a large name department store. Assigned to lingerie, I am listening to an equal amount of privileged blue hairs and PYTs go on about bra size and shapewear.
“I’m going to kiss the shit out of you at midnight”, he told me. He was older, and his boatload of charm made up for the lack of hair on his head. I would go on to call him “snowball” for his smooth talking, but at this point I had no clue. I look at pictures from that New Year and they still sparkle more than a year later. After heartbreaks and screaming matches, babies and hookups and breakups and backstabbing. Everyone was smiling then, infectious. Dancing, playing drinking games, kissing.
The next morning we went to breakfast at his favorite local diner. No menu for G. Black coffee for both of us. Lots of sugar. The waitress wrote down my name because I was with him. I was someone to remember.
Despite the lack of fluidity in tense, I think I was on to something. It could be something to finish. It could be a piece of shit. It could be a piece of shit to finish.
I don’t know where the slacker comes into play. In fact, I’m not sure where I come into play at all. It may seem strange to timeline an entire year of my own life by my relationships with others, but that is how my brain works. Ever since I was little, a year was a circle. Each season had a corner, almost like a racetrack an endless loop. January was the finish line. The years events sit in the stands, most recent in the front row, and the seniors fade back into the nosebleeds.
I feel like my choices and experiences last year shaped my character in a way I didn’t even think I needed. I feel stronger these days and I’m not attributing it to age. Reaching a magic number doesn’t earn us a survival guide, doesn’t flip an ‘on’ switch for self-worth. It’s only in the last few months that I realize that who I am isn’t going to change, and I can’t go looking to change others. I can accept or not. I can be accepted or not. I can’t go looking for anything or anyone, period. No one is ideal or ‘right’. They can simply be ‘great’, and that is enough for now. Simply say one thing that makes me smile or laugh or gives me butterflies. I think all I’m really looking for is genuine. I think I’m getting closer to finding it.